


Fuck Illumi Rights

by orphan_account



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Awkward Boners, Canon Universe, Crack, Feelings Realization, Flirting, Hisoka's Bungee Gum Nen Ability (Hunter X Hunter), Hisoka's rabid fans, Horny people have no rights, Humor, M/M, Misunderstandings, Public Display of Affection, Second-Hand Embarrassment, Sexual Humor, Sexual Tension, Teasing, heavens arena
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-01
Updated: 2020-06-01
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:27:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,975
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24486625
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: 5 times Hisoka flirted with Illumi and the one time he flirted back.
Relationships: Hisoka/Illumi Zoldyck
Comments: 57
Kudos: 337





	Fuck Illumi Rights

**Author's Note:**

  * For [WordsByMarcy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/WordsByMarcy/gifts).



“Come to my Heavens Arena match, it will be fun,” Hisoka purred seductively over the phone, his long nails clicking against the side of it. This was the third time he had called today, the first being to ask what Illumi’s schedule looked like for the month, and the second because he just “wanted to hear his voice again”. Illumi purposefully didn’t respond to the second call. “I have something I….. want to show you ;)” Hisoka’s wink was somehow audible through the line.

“Why should I? I’ve seen you fight before,” Illumi deadpanned. He heard Hisoka sigh, the sound half obnoxious, half sexy. Or at least, what Illumi  _ presumed _ he found as sexy.

“Why must you make everything so  _ hard _ ,” Hisoka moaned, voice breathy. Nose scrunching in distaste, Illumi pulled the phone away from his ear. 

“If that is a reference to your genitalia, I would say I am completely and thoroughly disgusted, but you’ve desensitized me to such remarks.”

“Aw,I seem to be rubbing off on you. If you wanted, we could meet up and perhaps I could rub y-”

Illumi clicked the phone shut. Hisoka was obviously agitating him, as noted by his increased heart rate. He needed to keep a better watch and not let himself get bothered by this. Hisoka had a special way of getting under his skin.

Two weeks later, he gave in.

It was out of pure convenience. He had a job in the city near Heaven’s Arena, and he was making the trip anyways, so why not get his Hisoka visit out of the way? The longer he ignored Hisoka, the more Hisoka would bother him. It wasn’t as if he actually wanted to go to the match, but he had some downtime to kill after an early flight mixed with a barren schedule. 

Before showing up, Illumi didn’t give it much thought. Now, sitting in the arena next to screaming fans while disguised as a middle aged woman, he wondered if it had been a mistake to show up in the first place. How could Hisoka have so many fans? What was it about him that they seemed to almost.. worship? His blank expression remained the same as he looked in hidden disgust at all the fans screaming Hisoka’s name and other obscene phrases at him in the arena.

“Hisoka, have my babies!” screamed the woman sitting to the left of him. There weren’t many things that could startle Illumi, but this, apparently, was one of them. How could she be so crass? So embarrassing? Surely Hisoka wouldn’t-

Hisoka blew a kiss to the audience, who started cheering louder. The woman to his left shamelessly moaned, and almost as fast as one of Hisoka’s card tricks, her bra was off and being tossed to the stage. Why.. would she do that? In  _ public _ ? For a clown of a man? Illumi grimaced. 

Hisoka’s kiss confused Illumi, and it took him a moment to realize, of course, it was just an act. Illumi was off his game. Hisoka was famous in Heavens Arena, of course he would have fans. He was just playing his part. There was no reason why Illumi, personally, had to care about this, other than that it perplexed him. Yes, that’s it, he was just interested, nothing more. The twinge of displeasure he felt was simply disgust at the depravity of his seating companions. 

“You seem to be on edge, are you here for the other guy?” asked the man sitting to Illumi’s right. Nothing could have prepared him for the fact that his hat said “Bungee Cum” on it. Illumi quickly looked away back at the match which was just starting, and tried very hard not to think about the hat. In his head, he could hear Hisoka crystal clear, reciting his annoying little catchphrase like an infomercial. “Bungee gum has the properties of both rubber and gum,” his cheerful voice rang out in Illumi’s head, even as he, against his own will, visualized something that was most decided not bungee gum. It was too white, too thick, too… bungee cum. Illumi preferred not to linger on the thought, lest he imagine the properties of  _ that.  _ He turned to the fan that had spoken to him, pointedly looking into his eyes rather than at his hat. 

“On edge? No. I’m just… normal,” He said to the fan, glancing at the spectators to both sides of him. 

“I find that hard to believe,” said the rather lustful woman next to him. Apparently she had not packed a backup bra. Illumi ignored the jiggle as she shifted to look at him. “He’s charming, handsome, dangerously sexy, if you’re coming to see him for any reason other than those then I don’t know why you’re here-” 

All eyes turned to the big screen as the camera focused on Hisoka, who was gyrating his hips for some  _ ungodly _ reason as the stadium cheered. 

“Ohhhh, he could pound me into that stadium floor with his massive-“ the announcer called out the rules, cutting the woman’s words off, and Illumi only caught the tail end of it “-and I’d thank him.” Illumi was thankful for the announcer in that very moment.

“He’s an egomaniac psychopath who’s only fighting because he needs the adrenaline rush from the fights and garners an erection from death and injury,” Illumi said,voice clipped and short. “I don’t see what’s so romantic or sexy about any of that. It’s pathetic, to say the least. It certainly isn’t something to boast about enjoying.” 

“Bruh, it ain’t that deep,” said the man next to him with the obscene hat, “just fess up that you want his bungee cum,” he tipped the aforementioned hat at Illumi, “just as much as the rest of us.” The man leaned across Illumi, speaking to the braless woman. 

“I’m jealous of you,” he told her, foul breath polluting Illumi’s personal bubble. “He could breed you, sire his children..” 

The woman blushed, whispering back that it would be an honor for Hisoka to ‘fill her with his seed.’ The two proceeded to ignore Illumi for almost the entirety of the match. Illumi returned his attention, and noticed that the fight had already begun.

Hisoka’s nen ability wasn’t weak, but it wasn’t inherently strong either. It was more so the ways he employed it that made it deadly. Clearly, Hisoka was highly intelligent. Unfortunately, the ways he tended to use his brain outside of combat were what really grinded Illumi’s gears. Illumi had been trained from a young age to access his surroundings and deduct logical conclusions from them. That was, of course, the only reason he considered the words of the fans at his sides just then, watching Hisoka fight, wondering what clever ways he could use his bungee gum in an… intimate space. Illumi scoffed outright, a few fans glaring at him for disrupting their cheering. As if Hisoka was even a top. 

The fight was rather straightforward in the beginning. Hisoka nailed a few hits against his opponent while playing defensively, specifically to attach his nen onto his body. Illumi didn’t need to use gyo to realize what was going on. It was one of his more basic strategies. What wasn’t part of the strategy was the way he would stick his absolute dumptruck ass out to the audience after he landed a hit the second time, and the fourth time, shaking it around. Illumi noted that it was rather inefficient, and bad posture. On closer inspection, as it was absolutely  _ crucial _ that he observe the motions, he realized the exact image Hisoka’s motions reminded him of. Specifically, a cheap stripper grinding against an invisible middle aged pervert for a few dollars in his waistband. Illumi respected strippers, though. He didn’t respect Hisoka.

“If you’ll excuse my brief interruption, I’d like to perform a magic trick,” said Hisoka to his opponent, taking out a deck of cards from a pocket in his crotch area.  _ Why _ did he have a pocket there.  _ Why _ . 

“No, fuck y-”

Suddenly the man’s mouth was sealed shut as Hisoka narrowed his eyes and walked forwards, holding out a deck of cards. Illumi’s mind briefly flitted back to his consideration of bungee gum’s bedroom application. An impromptu muzzle could be.. convenient.. should the other party be interested in such things. 

“I said, I’d like to perform a magic trick. It’s so nice of you to give me the time during this wonderful one sided match, so obedient,” said Hisoka in his honeyed voice, holding out a deck of cards in front of his opponent, down by his own crotch. “Pick a card.”

The man begrudgingly reached out and drew one of the cards from Hisoka’s massive deck. Hisoka pointedly thrust forward, groin meeting the man’s hand halfway as he withdrew his card. The fans in the audience seemed to squeal with excitement, but Illumi stayed silent. He assumed a good fraction of the audience didn’t know what nen was, and the ones who did were rabid enough fans that they wouldn’t want to spoil whatever bullshit Hisoka was about to pull by using gyo. Illumi flirted with the idea, and decided to also forgo figuring out the trick. After all, he came for a show; he didn’t want this detour to be a complete waste of time.

“Now, I have a very special surprise planned for a lucky person out there,” said Hisoka, scanning his eyes across the audience. “Though I’d say you’re all somewhat lucky since you’ve received  _ tickets  _ to come see me.” Illumi noticed how he emphasized the word ticket, then quickly pulled his out of his pocket.

“Everyone, look at your tickets,” said Hisoka, shuffling the rest of his deck.

Illumi looked down as the illusion faded away, revealing that his ticket had been altered with Hisoka’s texture surprise. His eye twitched slightly. Hisoka must have talked to the ticket holder to specifically get him this playing card, the ace of hearts.

“Oh! It’s working!” exclaimed the woman sitting next to Illumi. She showed him her ticket, which had secretly been the 3 of clubs. “Wait. Why did you get a premium ticket?”

“Premium ticket?” asked Illumi, looking down at his playing card.

“Yeah, you have to be a formal member of his fanclub in order to get a premium ticket,” said the bungee cum guy. “Sometimes they transform like this, but other times he’s autographed them with his-” the man tapped his hat before Illumi could cease his explanation. 

“I’ve heard enough,” He interrupted anyways, terrified the man may go more in-depth. He now held the card as if it were in desperate need of sanitization, trying not to jostle it too much. It was obvious that he was going to get the winning card, otherwise Hisoka wouldn’t have asked him to come, but-

No, this was Hisoka. He could easily just be messing with him. It wasn’t as if Illumi  _ wanted  _ to be the winner of the card game or anything, but the fact that it could just as easily not be him started to unnerve him.

Hisoka snapped. Suddenly, his battered opponent fell to the ground and started to move, as if something was dragging him. The charades had gone on long enough; Illumi applied gyo to his eyes to look and see-

The path of Hisoka’s bungee gum on the ground made the shape of a cartoon heart, and was being replaced by the blood stains of his opponent. It was a morbid gesture, but nonetheless, it did take him off guard.

“Now, you may be wondering how I did this,” said Hisoka, standing in the center of the grotesque heart he made. “A magician never reveals his secrets. Where’s the fun in that? But just remember, bungee gum has the properties of both rubber and gum.” Illumi found himself filling in the words in his mind as Hisoka spoke. Every single time he fought someone he had to mention his stupid bungee gum as if on cue.

“For my final reveal, here,” said Hisoka, stepping on his poor opponent before getting him to drop the card, securing him his last needed point in this absolute slaughter of a match. “It appears he’s selected the ace of hearts.”

“Uhnnng I wish he’d step on me like that,” said the bungee cum man, biting his bottom lip ferociously. Illumi wished he could simply pretend he hadn’t heard that. 

“Hey, that’s your card,” said the woman sitting next to Illumi. “Ahh you’re so lucky! That means you get to meet him afterwards.  _ The things I would have him do to me…  _ God, I would kill for a ticket like that.” The woman’s eyes widened as she looked at him.

“Make any sudden movements, and I’ll end your life,” Illumi deadpanned. The woman quickly averted her gaze. The man next to him started offering an.. obscene favor.. in trade for the card. Illumi silenced him with a quick needle, before anyone could notice. He looked down at his playing card before folding it and putting it in his pocket.

After the match, Illumi took his time walking out of the stadium. Despite being in disguise, he was immediately spotted by Hisoka, who was standing at one of the outlets of the main area, leaning against the wall. On the off chance that Hisoka would actively stalk him out of the building, Illumi weighed the pros and cons and eventually decided to meet up with him.

“How’d you know it was me?” asked Illumi, not giving Hisoka the justice of undoing his pins.

“A magician never reveals his-”

Illumi shot Hisoka a dirty look.

“What, would you rather me say it’s pheromones, because whatever you’re emitting right now is turning me on,” Hisoka said, lowering his voice. He bit his lip seductively as he leaned in closer to Illumi. 

“Deal with it yourself,” said Illumi, making sure he was positioned in a way such that he could monitor the nearest exit of the building. “I’m sure you have plenty of fans who would love for you to…. Have their babies…”

“My, my, Illumi, are you jealous that you can’t bear my children?” asked Hisoka, putting on a sarcastically pouty face before thrusting his hips slowly. “I’m sure if we try enough times, we can make it happen-”

There was something very wrong happening right now. Illumi felt his heartbeat spike once again. He cringed internally as he looked at Hisoka’s stupidly smug face, as if he knew exactly how irritating he was being right now.

“Speaking of your fans,” said Illumi, trying to change the subject away from Hisoka’s crass comments. “Why aren’t they swarming you right now?”

“Oh, I’m so glad you asked,” mused Hisoka, brushing a lock of hair out of Illumi’s face. Illumi slapped his hand away, which was a mistake since it earned him an uncomfortable moan from Hisoka.  _ And his rabid fans thought he was a top _ . “Now I know you’re wondering, why didn’t I just put my hair down and take off my makeup? Surely I look like an entirely different person when I don’t take time to dress myself up.”

“Right, you would look less like a clown.”

“A magician, that is. But why would I do that when I spent so long getting myself dressed up in the first place? It takes a lot of time and effort to look this good,” said Hisoka, fluffing the back of his hair.

“Try harder, it still looks bad.”

“Illumi, you’re so rude to me,” said Hisoka, pointing to the teardrop on his right cheek. “But the secret lies here. Very subtle. You see, I’ve swapped which cheeks I’ve drawn my teardrop and star on.”

“Yes, I’ll admit that I did look that over,” said Illumi. “I don’t have your outfits memorized.”

“But you see, my stans do. They think I’m merely a bad cosplayer now,” said Hisoka, giving him a wink. “A  _ simp _ le twink after the grand Hisoka’s  _ powerful  _ cock. By the way, if you show the lady working the elevator the playing card, you should be able to get access to my room. Just saying.” Illumi stared at him blankly.

“I don’t want it, here, take it,” said Illumi, reaching into his pocket to give Hisoka his folded card. Hisoka’s eye twitched twice as he picked it up using his talon-like nails.

“Excuse me, Illumi, but why the fuck did you fold my playing card? It’s ruined!” exclaimed Hisoka, bending it back and forth to try to mitigate the damage.

“Just buy a new one.”

“Do you not understand how playing cards work? I’ll have to buy myself an entire new pack, and I really liked this specific manufacturer but they went out of business years ago so I’ll have to buy a vintage pack and-”

“If you’re trying to guilt me into buying a new pack of playing cards for you, it’s not working,” said Illumi, turning his nose up. “Pathetic. You’re worse when you’re whiny. Brat.”

“Hnnng, more,” groaned Hisoka, giving Illumi bedroom eyes. “I think I..” Hisoka’s hand drifted dangerously low down his torso, “..like it when you call me a brat..” He moaned again, low and soft, causing Illumi to feel an uncomfortable unfamiliar feeling deep inside him. 

“How is it that everything I say has the potential to turn you on, is nothing safe?” asked Illumi, pulling out his phone. “Ah yes, a convenient excuse for me to leave right now is that my hotel check in time is now. No, you may not come back with me, and if you follow me back to my room there will be consequences.”

“What kinds of consequences,” breathed Hisoka. Illumi narrowed his eyes. Simp. With that, he snatched the bent playing card out of Hisoka’s hands and walked out of the Heavens Arena. He quickly flagged down a cab. 

On the way back to his hotel room, Illumi thought over the past few events that had just happened. Hisoka had a tendency for getting under his skin, which was certainly becoming an issue. There were only a few toxins and torture techniques that caused his heart rate to spike like that, but there was something weird about Hisoka that was causing this. Just thinking about Hisoka was enough for his heart rate to start getting higher. Illumi checked his pulse again, just in case he was imagining it. Nope. It was definitely higher. Suddenly, a daunting realization crossed his mind, and unfortunately, he had just the resources to test it. Illumi pulled out his phone and started scrolling back through his messages with Hisoka to find the few saucy pictures he had sent him “on accident”. Illumi’s eyes scoured over pale skin and curves and- so the red hair adorning Hisoka’s head  _ wasn’t _ dye… 

Illumi was lucky he happened to be sitting in the back seat, lest he feel social shame from the driver for popping a boner in a taxi cab. His hypothesis was correct. He was, indeed, attracted to Hisoka. 

He needed to do something about this, though. He couldn’t complete his job as an assassin if he was getting sexually distracted; it made him hormonally compromised. He would have to deal with this some way or another, and if that meant sleeping with Hisoka, then damn it, he would fuck the clown.

By the time Illumi got to his hotel room, he quickly accessed the internet to look for a site which would sell him a deck of the playing cards he ruined. Luckily, he found one right in the city that could be delivered within the hour. He might as well replace the cards as a pre-sex gift of sorts. An offering.

Illumi used the time to stretch himself in case Hisoka wanted to spice things up. Though he was almost certain that Hisoka was a power bottom, the sneaky clown had a tendency to be unexpected. And his fans certainly didn’t think he bottomed, perhaps there was some truth to that.

After receiving the new deck of playing cards, Illumi headed over back to Heavens Arena. He didn’t bother putting in his pins; it was only going to be a short trip. He had a feeling the circus freak wouldn’t be difficult to please. He showed the elevator lady the playing card he won from Hisoka, allowing him to go all the way up to his room. The elevator lady gave him a secretive little wink, as if she knew  _ exactly _ what was going on. Illumi didn’t care, though. Luckily, it didn’t take long to get up to Hisoka’s room. He positioned himself right in front of the door, then knocked.

Hisoka opened the door, an amused look on his face, hair down, in a bathrobe. A bathrobe that was unfortunately  _ open _ . That unfortunately had  _ nothing  _ underneath it. With a tattoo  _ unfortunately  _ low on Hisoka’s stomach. That unfortunately said ‘Hisoka + Illumi’ surrounded by a heart. Gyo quickly verified that it was a temporary application of texture surprise before Illumi could go fucking batshit. Regardless, Hisoka’s current state was still...distracting, in a weird way. The more chaotic he was, the more Illumi felt himself attracted to it all. 

“Well, this was certainly a surprise, though I knew you would be unable to resist my charms,” said Hisoka, leaning on the doorway. Illumi looked at him dead in the eyes. “So, what will it be?”

“Hisoka, I am prepared to partake in sexual relations with you.”

The cheerful look on Hisoka’s face suddenly fell into that of absolute shock.

“Oh, it might be more customary for me to present my pre-sex offering,” said Illumi, reaching into his coat pocket to pull out the playing cards. “It was conveniently selling in the city, otherwise I wouldn’t have bothered.”

“I’m sorry, what?” The clown spluttered. 

Hisoka stared at Illumi still, mouth agape. Illumi tilted his head to the side.

“Shall we get started? I’m not sure what your preferred position is, but I prepared myself anyways-”

“Wait,” said Hisoka, putting his hand on Illumi’s chest to prevent him from coming into the room. Illumi raised an eyebrow. “You’re serious?”

“Yes? Why wouldn’t I be? You’ve been making sexual advances towards me since we’ve met, and I decided that the pros outweigh the cons, and that sleeping with you will be beneficial for me,” said Illumi. “I’d prefer not to discuss such topics in the doorway where everyone can hear us, it is indecent.”

“Let me get this straight, you actually used the card I gave you to come up here and have sex with me?” Hisoka questioned, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“Precisely. Is that not what you meant? If not, what was your behavior about earlier?”

“I don’t know, I didn’t think I’d get this far,” said Hisoka, his cheeks turning a slight red visible underneath all of his stupid clown makeup. “It’s kind of weird when you flirt back.”

“What?”

“What?”

There was an awkward pause between both of them.

“I dunno, I liked to flirt with you because your reactions were funny,” said Hisoka, looking more and more awkward. “I normally appreciate forwardness, but your assertion was so unsexy that it killed my boner in such a way that I’m afraid I’ll never be able to get hard again.”

“You’re kidding?” asked Illumi, attempting to smile but still looking dead inside. Hisoka’s uncomfortable look said otherwise.

“Yeah, sorry, I don’t think I can do this. Thanks for the cards, though,” said Hisoka, taking the pack of cards from Illumi’s hands and closing the door. Illumi stared blankly in front of him for a second before processing what exactly just happened. There was a solid door in his face, Hisoka’s unclothed appearance still burned into his mind, and an uncomfortable swelling in Illumi’s pants. Well, fuck.

**Author's Note:**

> Special shoutout to my friend for beta reading and giving suggestions! Let me know if you liked it (or hated it) in the comment. 
> 
> I feel a slight obligation to detail while I *do* like this ship I also like making fun of it a lot bc they're both terrible people xD hope you guys enjoyed
> 
> [[Update]] I drew the fucking hat : https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/675455198411620415/717844958110941244/bungee_cum_hat.png


End file.
